Are Thai Women Incurious Lovers?

………….UPDATE (5 March 2010)…………..

I have asked the question on the Ladies Forum at ThaiVisa.com, to get primarily women’s views, but ended up getting both men’s and women’s. Some of them are very insightful, click here if you want to check out the responses. Note that the first few comments were not representative of the quality of the discussion. (It got better, much better – promise.)

Paul has given his reaction to the discussion at the Ladies Forum thus far in the comment section of this blog entry.

…………ORIGINAL POST…………..

Are we? (Curious Thai women lovers, hold it!! Please don’t flog me! — cowering)

(Hands still blocking head) It’s not my question, girls. Really. One curious (farang) mind wants to know. His name is Paul. …

Paul wants to know why none of his several long-term and short-term Thai (ex-)girlfriends ever seemed to want to know more about him as a person. He didn’t say this, but I guess he must have felt like a serial foreign census respondent, being asked the same basic demographic questions: “where do you come from,” “have you ever been married,” “how many children do you have.”

In his own words [chopped off a bit]:

I have had two long-term relationships (two and three years each) with Thai women and several not so long. None of the women ever asked about my previous life experiences – except for information related to past marriages, children and country of origin.

I can interpret such omissions as being disinterested in me as a person or – perhaps a better explanation – a lack of curiosity about anything beyond Thailand or anything that did not have an immediate or direct influence on them. Even while in the process of asking them about their childhood, their views, their experiences, they did not reciprocate. And I don’t understand why they would not have taken advantage of the opportunity to learn more about my life in my country and the outside world in general. …

Any insight?

Chin scratching moment… (searching insight database — woozz…woozz…)

Not knowing the specific backgrounds of the different GFs you mentioned, it’s a bit hard to give any determinate answer. But with what I’ve got, here’s my take — there could be several reasons, which may not be mutually exclusive (trying to cover major possible bases :-)).

  1. First, are you the type of person who tends to give a monologue? If so, that usually discourages people to ask questions.
  2. Have you ever invited any of them to ask about you? Like, “So now I know so much about you. Don’t you want to know more about me?” kind of invitation.
  3. Do you speak enough Thai, or did any of them speak enough English to engage in the level of discussion you expected?
  4. What level of education and cultural/social background and personality did they have?

Sorry that my answer is actually a bunch of questions, and really not much of an answer. If you answer “No” to (1) and “Yes” to (2), then  it’s probably not your personality that prevented them from wanting to know you more. We now look at (3) – language facility on both sides. If that’s still not a problem, then maybe we’re talking about lack of interest or curiosity on the women’s part. So, we’re down to (4), which is probably where at least a partial explanation lies.

Are Thai women really that disinterested in getting to know their respective foreign lovers?

… (What do you say, Thai women with or without a foreign lover? And foreign lovers of a Thai woman or man?)

I don’t know about other Thai women, but I myself am very interested in my farang hubby as a person. But then I’m only one in 30 million plus Thai women and can’t speak for each of the rest. What I can say is that curiosity is perhaps not a value much admired in Thai culture and the Thai education system doesn’t encourage asking questions much either. Then you have class, individual personality and outlook in life, etc.

It is possible that they might not have felt comfortable asking more personal questions, fearing it might be impolite. Or they might simply have been really disinterested and incurious about you, your culture, your background, etc. Engaging in such a level of discussion takes some effort.

Then, I have a question myself (you got me curious). If it wasn’t you, they were interested in knowing, what were they interested in knowing — that you could tell, that is?

That’s about all the two satangs I can muster to give right now.

Anyone with experience or viewpoint to share, please jump in.

11 responses to “Are Thai Women Incurious Lovers?

  1. Perhaps it’s time for me to enter the fray and defend myself from attacks (Sean Moran, who assumedly was referring to me in discussing “pathetic whines of losers,” and IanForbes who was unable to figure out that by the end of my two and three-year relationships the ladies in question were fully aware of—and did, indeed ask your questions: “is he single and available, how old is he, how much money does he make, does he live full time in Thailand, or does he travel back and forth from another country, and is he committed to anyone else.” But those are about the ONLY questions they asked–thus, my initial query). And by the way, Ian, the topic here is NOT their responses but their questions (or lack thereof).

    That said, I have no objection to my query being posted on this or any forum. The additional exposure has elicited a wider range of answers. Including interesting observations from WeeGB and bobo42. I, too, experienced the inability of Thai girlfriends to ask questions or seek help from staff people in retail stores (much as male drivers resist asking for directions). But I never put that together with the girls’
    reluctance to ask questions about my former life. I always thought they did not seek help in stores because they felt it would display weakness, need, or otherwise put them in an inferior position or light.

    To respond to another poster, I do not see that age makes much difference (are Thai’s not proud to say that it does not matter how old you are if you have good heart?) Interestingly, the subject of age was raised only by a Thai woman! I am 42 and all of the ladies were between 22 and 32; my three year relationship was with a girl who earned her MBA in America. Her economic and social status were as commendable as her English skills. She nevertheless conformed to the stereotype and did not ask questions.

    To those less-than-kind posters who seem to suggest that my experience is not common (Thai ladies are extremely curious, but maybe they did not ask Paul any questions because he is boring) or (Thai girls are only into money so they stayed with him 3 years even though they had no interest in him) or (Thai attitude is you do your thing I do mine, no questions. I don’t care what you did before. I don’t care about your character, what made you this way, or anything else about you. Don’t think too much. Don’t criticize. Don’t ask questions. Education and knowledge are not important. Just smile and stay dumb about the outside world. Now let’s eat.)

    I just scanned the remainder the ThaiVisa posts and am inclined to forego participating in such topics in the future. Too many mean-spirited and/or inane responses which do not advance the topic. Of course there are clear exceptions, including posts from Biftastic, WeeGB and bobo42.

  2. I think the language barrier can play a lot into it. I know in the beginning of my relationship with my girl we spoke more in the present tense.

    Not knowing a lot of Thai on my part and her not knowing a lot of English made it harder to communicate at first as it related to the past. What we both knew of each others languages centered on day to day type conversation but to dig deeper the dictionaries had to come out which made the conversation much longer and drawn out.

    As we have both progressed in our language learning we’ve had many in depth conversations about our pasts and our families because the words were finally there.

    Paul, Internet forums can and usually will give you all manner of responses from those who genuinely want to help to the know it alls…Thai Visa forums have a reputation for being hard to handle at times, but there are some great people…you just have to let the negative ones roll off your back.

    • The discussion over at the TV Ladies forum is still going on, Talen. Some very interesting comments, too.

      And yes, surely, language proficiency plays a big role in how much a couple can talk about things. But what’s interesting is to what extent culture and social class (besides obviously individual personality) factor in.

  3. Paul,
    don’t let the responses from some people stop you from posting.
    I’ve had things shot down in flames by people who have perhaps had bad things happen to them and they just try to make themselves feel better by appearing superior, possibly their posts are what passes for humour in their lives.

    All in all I find Thaivisa a very helpful and informative place, I’ve learned a lot from some very helpful individuals on there.

    I find questions like the one you asked, though-provoking and interesting.

  4. Besides langage proficiency there might be another reason for Paul’s experiences with “uninterested” Thai ladies: Convenience.
    Thais are known to be convenient folks. The level of education, though important, does not always matter.
    Once a lady has found a partner who serves the purpose of her private understanding of convenience, it would not make sense for her to shift the balance of the same by asking questions that might bear inconvenient results… so, she doesn’t ask.
    Inconvenient answers leave many Thais with “headaches” (puat hua) and they seek to avoid the same.
    That does not mean, they are not interested in your person. It is just a general (don’t hit me for that) inability in Thai society to cope with inconveniences, even if they are just of an intellectual character.
    You have to differentiate between “I am not interested” (mai son jai) and “I don’t want to know” (mai yaak ruu).
    My experience is, if you also develop a deeper relationship with your partner’s relatives, your partner will start asking you about your past and relatives as well. It’s often give and take. Ask yourself if you have commited enough “relationship-care” with the family attached to your partner. That matters a lot when it comes to describe the intensity of your own reltionship to that lady.

  5. The colorful chart is wrong in the last row, far right column. Other wise ok. Very up-scale Thai women are so Westernized that you can not tell them from an American…. in attitude, behavior, wants, etc.

    Skip the very up scale gals…. unless you want same-same as at home.

    Whatever/Who ever you select, just test her out for a year or so. Live together in Thailand in simple digs. Leave cash in view and see if it is still there tomorrow. Offer an outrageous gift and if she takes, run away.
    Does she really love her father? Honor him? If not, run.
    Any level of society girl can be great, but must be tried out … and u must be ready to run if things are not going well. But, yes, do help the family unless they are more rich than you. And, most of all, remember Buddha says that everything changes and severe attachment is bad.

    Good luck

  6. Yes, Thai women are severe and intense lovers, but not inventive nor particularily sensual. Expect intensity but not long southing strokes and gentle touches and no long preparations to warm up; they go from shy to blazing in ten seconds.
    Ask for a slow relaxing massage, not NOT Thai massage and see what happens.

    Thai women like porn …called “sexy movies”… so get those that show action that u like and teach from the movies.

  7. i know a lot about the thai girls so my advice would be to stay away from the girls from isan,chang mai and more remoter reigions although you can still find good girls there.The problem is their mum and dad can be very greedy mainly in farming communities. I know it may sound unreal but i have met beautiful thai virgins in their late 20 s common in asia but they have no real say on there future. So take my advice if you look reasonable and are not to old (unlike the herman munster farrang trotting around in pattaya) get yourself a bangkok girl who has a good job in an office and is clean. i hope my breif note is helpful.

  8. I have the same experince that my former Thai-girlfriends haven´t been curious enough to ask me questions about my personal life. Maybe is that beacause it´s personal.. Thai people are very correct and polite and do never risk to insulte somebody or create a conflict if they can avoid it. As previous spokers have said here, it´s of course about the degree of your relationship and the ability to speak with each other in a mutual language. But I belive that the most important is to start telling her about yourself and then she will not be as shy to ask you. Thai people are shy individuals, the very contrary to the behavoir they show when there is money to make in turistic areas.

  9. From my observations living in a non farang neighborhood in bangkok, and being proficient in the language. There seems to be a great deal of general apathy in society. Most have little or no intellectual curiosity, hobbies, interests other than soap operas, work, sleep, and for students, studying. Society does not generally foster analytical/critical thinking. Most students sit in class like zombies never asking questions or initiating debate/discussion. Exceptions can be found at high level universities/ international schools.
    Sadly many of those that study abroad stay withing the local thai community. There are exceptions but not a high %. I have friends that are such exceptions and I cherish them because they think “out of the box” Most lived/studied abroad though some never left thailand. Typically they too are frustrated by the behaviors of most people in their country. Many are high society although some are not. A low % are active in sports. Reliability and punctuality are huge issues with women socially. Make a plan, arrive on time, then learn the person you made the plan with doesn’t show up, doesn’t tell you she cannot go, seems to not be aware there is any problem with such behavior. This behavior perhaps could be likened to the often erratic, purposeless slow walking style observed on streets and mass transit. Very routinely women stop at the bottom of a train station escalator to check sms messages, block other passengers, and are not even aware of it.
    In one of many articles in a popular bangkok newspaper, a thai journalist Voranai Vanijaka wrote “Cheating and corruption is the norm at all levels of society, and incompetency is the sum of our failings.” http://www.bangkokpost.com/opinion/opinion/214089/bought-grades-sold-souls-an-all-access-pass-through-the-halls-of-higher-learning

  10. most importantly, how do you deal with these types of incurious lovers?
    Is that just her characteristic? how can i induce her to be more curious?
    Personally, I have a girlfriend who does not seem to be interested in my day-to-day activities, nor about my work.

    Yes, she is Asian, and has a bachelor degree. (in case education may be an issue as mentioned in several other forums)

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